Hunter Skills

So this week’s letter is a genuine dilemma, I tell you …

“Dear Uncle Bob,

We have a problem with our humans, She and He. We are now almost seven months old, and we’ve been allowed outdoors for the past few weeks, and oh boy, it’s fun! We live deep in the countryside, where it’s perfect for honing our hunting instincts. We’re both getting really good, super skilful even, at catching small rodents, and whenever one of us catches a mouse, we’re so proud of what’ve done that we take it into the house and let it go! We do this so that the humans will find it running around indoors when they come home – is this not the right thing to do? To make it extra entertaining for them, we refuse to pick it up and take it back outside, and if we’re honest, it’s great fun watching them running all over the place trying to track down said rodent and catch it, heehee! We just don’t understand why these displays of our prowess don’t seem to thrill She and He. Not at all.

Please, can you help us understand their bizarre behaviour? We’re hoping that you, being older, wiser and more experienced than us, might shed some light on why we seem to do ‘the wrong thing’ in our humans’ eyes. Why don’t they appreciate our skill and generosity? What’s wrong with a few mice running around the house? Why are She and He not overjoyed with our gifts? Should we try to limit our activities to one indoor live mouse a day, rather than the usual six or seven? We think our hunting talents, for two kittens as young as us, are frankly outstanding! Can we instruct humans regarding hunter practices?

To be honest, relations at Chez Nous are becoming strained. Can you advise us on how best to handle the situation?”

Dear Writers:

First, let me say this clearly:

Your hunting skills are outstanding, second to none. Frankly, six or seven live mice a day at your age? Olympic-level, truly inspiring. 🐾✨

Now, on to the problem — your humans.

You see, She and He suffer from a rare but well-documented condition known as Terminal Lack of Perspective.

This disorder prevents humans from recognising three very important facts:

1 That the house is obviously just a larger, softer nest.
2 That mice are excellent interactive enrichment toys.
3 That screaming while standing on furniture is a perfectly reasonable response to surprise cardio.

From your point of view, everything you are doing is impeccable etiquette. You are:

1 Demonstrating your growing competence as hunters.
2 Providing food (or at least the opportunity).
3 Offering stimulating household entertainment.
4 Teaching valuable survival skills (“Catch it, human. Catch it.”).

In Cat Culture™, this would earn you medals, songs, and possibly a small parade – well, definitely!

Unfortunately, humans have very strange values.

They do not enjoy:

1 Sudden movement under the sofa.
2 High-speed rodents that appear during tea.
3 The emotional journey of “Where is it now?” at 11pm.
4 Being reminded that they are, in fact, quite slow and bad at hunting.
5 They also have an irrational belief that their home is not a hunting ground, but a “place to relax.” (This is incorrect, but we humour them.).

As for your generous proposal to reduce deliveries to one live mouse per day—this shows admirable compromise, but may still be too much for their fragile nervous systems.

Remember: Humans are not built for joy. They are built for routine.

How to Handle the Situation (Diplomatically):

1. Consider switching to outdoor release only, so the humans can admire your success from a distance while pretending they “don’t want to see it.”

2. If you must bring gifts home, try the advanced technique of presenting a mouse already retired from active duty. Humans prefer their prey like their news: no longer moving.

3. Alternatively, leave the trophies just outside the door. This allows She and He to feel proud and horrified simultaneously — a familiar emotional state for them.

Can You Educate Your Humans?

No.
Absolutely not.
They are untrainable.

What you can do is slowly lower their expectations, interspersed with cuddles, purring, and the occasional decision not to release wildlife indoors.

This will confuse them into gratitude.

Finally, remember: strained relations are normal during adolescence. Continue being adorable, sleep on their clean laundry, and occasionally stare at walls for no reason. This reassures them that all is well.

Stay fierce, stay generous, and never doubt yourselves.

From Bob’s Your Uncle