Category: Bob’s your Agony Uncle

Fab-U-Lous Halloween!

~ BOB W ~ Leave a comment

Well ello efurryone and I have received a dilemma that prob affects lots furs this month. So let’s me put the dilemma here …

Dear Uncle Bob,

Helloo! It’s that time again! Halloween woohoo! Pumpkins to pounce, kids to woof at, and costumes to wear.

Here is my woe. I want to wear several different costumes on the big day. So many looks! I want to be Elvis Presley, Dolly Parton and Peter Pan. Is it OK to do costume changes during the day, or is that way too much? What are the most popular costumes where you are? I have a closet full of Halloween looks and only one day to wear them!

Signed, Currently Dressed as Doggy Marilyn Monroe

Well, woof woof, my fab-u-lous fashionista! If Marilyn can turn heads with a little white dress, just imagine what yous could do with Elvis’ quiff, Dolly’s wiggle and Peter Pan’s tites! A triple threat if ever there was.

My advice is never let anyone tell you that one costume is enough when you have a whole wardrobe. Life is short, treats are plentiful, and Halloween comes but once a year. If hoos can change outfits several times like at a wedding, or Oscar’s or summat, then us furs most definitely can and I say deserves a quick costume change between barking at postie and demanding our sixth treat of the day.

So go fur it! Start off in the mornin as Elvis shaking those hips and tail, then change into Dolly in the aft and give it some western sass, then in the eve change into Peter Pan where at the end of the day you can flys off to Never Never Land in search of more deserved treats!

Jus one fing be mindful of – comfort – noffing too tite, nefur cofur your eyes and defo noffing that would holds you back from your ability to sniff, wag or run if needed (e.g. if need quick getaway from a pesky vacuum cleaner ).

And as you asks I would says the most popular costumes around my part of the world does be witches, pumpkins and skeletons but der lots more finkin out da box nowadays too with lots of imagination and different creations. So defo go fur it, pal!

Also, on a final mention may I add – if like you says you has a closet full of costumes and only one day wears them – don’t leave to just that day and don’t waste any opportunity to wears and strut your stuff!

Memba yous born to be Fab-U-Lous!

Get Off My Sidewalk

~ BOB W ~ 4 Comments

Well, ello efurryone I have just received a right dilemma in my inbox, I tell you …

“We have old and young alike riding electric bikes on the sidewalk in my area where I walk each day with my peeps. It scares me. I am just a wee thirty-pound dog. Am scared. Is there a leash I can get that glows in the dark? Can you suggest? Is there an air horn I can buy to blast at them so they move off and let me use the sidewalk? Can you suggest? Should I report them and make em mad at me? Please advise. SIGNED GET OFF MY SIDEWALK”

Oh, my dear pal, I quite understands. Gifting you a very big hug. Totally understandable when sumfing whizzes past you like those electric bikes.

Firstly, let’s say you are totally not being unreasonable. Ordinary bikes and electric bikes should not be on the sidewalk/pavement.

And I fink I can say I speaks fur all of us here – THE SIDEWALK/PAVEMENT IS FUR WALKIES, SNIFFIES AND FURRY IMPAWTANT PEEMAIL – NOT FUR PEEPS WHIZZING PAST AT A MILLION MILES PER HOUR!

But don’t worry, you dus not need to become Sheriff of the Sidewalk and be blasting an air horn at the cyclists!

In fact, I wud strongly advise against dat as it might frighten the cyclist who may lose control and dat mite frighten yous even more.

Your peeps is the key here.

Chats with your peeps and asks dem keeps you on a short, secure lead when you is sumwhere dem bikes dus appear.

And totally you can get glow-in – the – dark, reflective or LED collar, lead and/or harness that is a great idea – in particularly fur the early mornings and late nights. Choose summat to makes you easily seen.

Also if sumone repeatedly rides dangerously on the sidewalk and comes close to you or behaves aggressively, yes defo your peeps can report it. Dey do not haz confront demselves.

And impawtantly your peeps are not trouble makers fur reporting genuinely aggressive behaviour. Dey is looking afur you whos can’t speak up fur self.

If poss make a note of date, location, approx time if anyfing happens.

And memba my pal, you do not has make the bike peeps angry. Your peeps can deal with all that stuff.

You can simply walk next time by your peeps safely on sidewalk, sniff approx 4752 interesting sniffs and answers approx 3921 peemails.

And simply continue being your fabulous self.

Yours Woofly, Bob’s Your Uncle

Grooming – Can Mum Cut It?

~ BOB W ~ 2 Comments

Ello der my pals I dus have received a propa dilemma lets me tell you …

“Dear Uncle Bob. Hello my momma is wonderful. She generally has me groomed, but I generally tends to acts silly and may have been asked to show myself out. Momma has, like me, ginormous, bootiful hair. Should I let her style and cut mine? Taking a chance. Signed Anonymously Adorable in Colorado.”

Oh, dear Anonymously Adorable, what a hairy dilemma!

I understand your problem. Your momma has ginormous bootiful hair and naturally you be finkin – surely sum dat styling talent must be able to be used on me.

Howefur, dear pal, there cud be a little issue – dat being your grooming record. If you’ve already been asked to show yourself out by the professionals, I is not convinced entirely dat you shud hands the scissors ofur to your momma and say, ‘have a go’!

Dat said, I says take a chance on the styling but bite the cut fur now. Starts small and sees how goes. And den, if Momma proves herself, you cud gradually and slowly increase her grooming privileges.

And always memba dat fur grows back (usually)!

What does our readers finks?

From your Agony Uncle Bob

LEAVE IT

~ BOB W ~ Leave a comment

Hello everyone!

I have received a rather interesting quandary from a pal. Let’s say their name is Fred. So let’s investigate this dilemma and try to help him.

So dear Fred tells me ….

“I am always finding interesting food stuffs whilst out and about, such as pavement sausage rolls, McD bags with leftovers, bread rolls etc. and although my human says LEAVE IT, the foodstuffs are telling me otherwise. I can hear them each calling me. EAT ME, I AM YUMMY, DO IT YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. Obs that calling is much louder than any human and makes far more sense to me and so I don’t leave it and often take it. I receive reprimands or sulking, called a “Bad Boy,” when I know this isn’t true. I don’t understand. Can you help me, Uncle Bob?”

So let’s think about this: we know food found is food to eat, that smell is important, and that any pavement sausage rolls are merely a gift from the universe, right?

So morally, you Fred are merely acting with sincerity and enthusiasm.

Humans cannot grasp this idea, unfortunately. Still, we ought to contemplate their viewpoint, recognizing they might hold valid points.

Let us ponder these matters and investigate. Many, err “delicacies” we furs find outdoors can make us seriously ill — fur example, cooked bones, raisins, chocolate, mouldy food, onions, xylitol, wrappers, spoiled meat, and dog furbid intentional nasty things deliberately left out by evil hoos.

Humans ruin these exciting finds and adventures with phrases like “blockages” and “visit to the vet,” and “pooing and sicking like a wrong en” or similar words to the same effect – but they have a point. None of us really want to be poorly or go to the vet unnecessarily, do we?

So for us, I would say that the true quandary we ask ourselves is:

“Do I follow my instincts?””Or trust the anxious human holding the lead?”

One might wisely consider:

If the food is indoors and offered lovingly, eat immediately.If the food is outdoors and suspiciously available, perhaps consult the human oracle first.

Or, to put it more simply:

Dog logic: “Finders keepers.”
Human logic: “Please don’t eat bin food.”
Truth: the human is probably saving your stomach and your dignity (no fur wants to be seen pooing and frowing up, right)?

The hardest part for us furs is that “LEAVE IT” feels deeply unreasonable in the moment and often feels more like a challenge. That smell creates urgency and excitement and calls us to act fast.

We often struggle with impulse control outdoors since scavenging is instinctive, rewarding, and self-reinforcing.

So I say, is it:

Morally evil? Absolutely not.
Understandable? Entirely.
Wise? Regrettably, often not.

So, so take away let’s say that OUR GREATEST VIRTUE MAY BE TO LEARN THAT BOT EVERY INTERESTING SMELL OR FOUND FOOD STUFF IS A GOOD LIFE CHOICE AND TO PERHAPS TRUST OUR HUMANS ON THIS AS THEY HAVE OUR BEST INTERESTS.

What do you think, pals? Are you facing the same dilemma?

Falsly Accused

~ BOB W ~ 3 Comments

“Deer Bob 

I iz hopin yoo can giff me sum adfise? I iz a innosent lil furr hoo keeps gettin da blame for stuff. Der iz a big cat dat wait for me too be sumwer n do stuff like hide boomstix or blow Sumfin up or set fire too sumfin or reek havuk n me get da blaem. It juss da coinsidense dat me der. But her sneekie n noe furr see himz. How Duz me get owt ob deez sichuashuns coz noe furr beeleef me? I aff chanjed mine name to stae anonymonous.

Fangks 
Anonomous”

Ooh my dog — what a pickle you be in. Being an innocent little fur repeatedly framed for boomstix, fires, and general havoc is enough to make anyone’s tail droop and floof stand on end.

First things first: If trouble keeps happening wherever you are, others may mistake coincidence for cause. While you know you’re not lighting the boomstix or lighting fires, to others, it looks like you arrive and—boom—havoc follows.

Here’s what you can do:

Distance yourself from things for a while, avoid danger locations: fireworks sheds, boomstix cupboards, and anywhere marked “Danger.” If nothing booms when you’re not around, that speaks louder than words.

Gather proof. Loudly insisting, “It wasn’t me!” rarely convinces anyone. Instead, try to document events. If you suspect the big cat is lurking, set up witnesses, mirrors, footprints, or even a simple “trap” that reveals who really set the boomstix, like a hidden camera.

Be visibly helpful, fix things, save others before things go wrong. Nothing confuses an accusation like being a hero.

Stop playing alone. The cat succeeds because you’re alone. Stick close to others, especially authority figures. It’s much harder to frame a fur who’s never by themselves.

Finally, remember this: being blamed doesn’t mean being guilty. You are innocent.With patience, evidence, and a little strategic thinking, the truth has a way of coming out.

Stay safe, stay smart, and keep yourself out of the boomstix radius.

Bob’s Your Uncle

Hunter Skills

~ BOB W ~ 4 Comments

So this week’s letter is a genuine dilemma, I tell you …

“Dear Uncle Bob,

We have a problem with our humans, She and He. We are now almost seven months old, and we’ve been allowed outdoors for the past few weeks, and oh boy, it’s fun! We live deep in the countryside, where it’s perfect for honing our hunting instincts. We’re both getting really good, super skilful even, at catching small rodents, and whenever one of us catches a mouse, we’re so proud of what’ve done that we take it into the house and let it go! We do this so that the humans will find it running around indoors when they come home – is this not the right thing to do? To make it extra entertaining for them, we refuse to pick it up and take it back outside, and if we’re honest, it’s great fun watching them running all over the place trying to track down said rodent and catch it, heehee! We just don’t understand why these displays of our prowess don’t seem to thrill She and He. Not at all.

Please, can you help us understand their bizarre behaviour? We’re hoping that you, being older, wiser and more experienced than us, might shed some light on why we seem to do ‘the wrong thing’ in our humans’ eyes. Why don’t they appreciate our skill and generosity? What’s wrong with a few mice running around the house? Why are She and He not overjoyed with our gifts? Should we try to limit our activities to one indoor live mouse a day, rather than the usual six or seven? We think our hunting talents, for two kittens as young as us, are frankly outstanding! Can we instruct humans regarding hunter practices?

To be honest, relations at Chez Nous are becoming strained. Can you advise us on how best to handle the situation?”

Dear Writers:

First, let me say this clearly:

Your hunting skills are outstanding, second to none. Frankly, six or seven live mice a day at your age? Olympic-level, truly inspiring. 🐾✨

Now, on to the problem — your humans.

You see, She and He suffer from a rare but well-documented condition known as Terminal Lack of Perspective.

This disorder prevents humans from recognising three very important facts:

1 That the house is obviously just a larger, softer nest.
2 That mice are excellent interactive enrichment toys.
3 That screaming while standing on furniture is a perfectly reasonable response to surprise cardio.

From your point of view, everything you are doing is impeccable etiquette. You are:

1 Demonstrating your growing competence as hunters.
2 Providing food (or at least the opportunity).
3 Offering stimulating household entertainment.
4 Teaching valuable survival skills (“Catch it, human. Catch it.”).

In Cat Culture™, this would earn you medals, songs, and possibly a small parade – well, definitely!

Unfortunately, humans have very strange values.

They do not enjoy:

1 Sudden movement under the sofa.
2 High-speed rodents that appear during tea.
3 The emotional journey of “Where is it now?” at 11pm.
4 Being reminded that they are, in fact, quite slow and bad at hunting.
5 They also have an irrational belief that their home is not a hunting ground, but a “place to relax.” (This is incorrect, but we humour them.).

As for your generous proposal to reduce deliveries to one live mouse per day—this shows admirable compromise, but may still be too much for their fragile nervous systems.

Remember: Humans are not built for joy. They are built for routine.

How to Handle the Situation (Diplomatically):

1. Consider switching to outdoor release only, so the humans can admire your success from a distance while pretending they “don’t want to see it.”

2. If you must bring gifts home, try the advanced technique of presenting a mouse already retired from active duty. Humans prefer their prey like their news: no longer moving.

3. Alternatively, leave the trophies just outside the door. This allows She and He to feel proud and horrified simultaneously — a familiar emotional state for them.

Can You Educate Your Humans?

No.
Absolutely not.
They are untrainable.

What you can do is slowly lower their expectations, interspersed with cuddles, purring, and the occasional decision not to release wildlife indoors.

This will confuse them into gratitude.

Finally, remember: strained relations are normal during adolescence. Continue being adorable, sleep on their clean laundry, and occasionally stare at walls for no reason. This reassures them that all is well.

Stay fierce, stay generous, and never doubt yourselves.

From Bob’s Your Uncle

To Bathe or Not To Bathe, That is The Question

~ BOB W ~ 8 Comments

Firstly, hello and welcome along to the wonderful Anipal Times. My name is Bob, and I’m your Agony Uncle.

My first email raises the very impawtant question – “To Bath or Not To Bath”. Recently, someone bathed Fred, whose name was changed to protect privacy, even though he fought heroically after he refused a bath.

Dear Bob

Let me set the scene, Fred says. He was walking along with his hooman whilst out walking in the lovely countryside where he lives and came upon the most gorgeous, premium, irresistible scent in the air that he knew he had to investigate and discover – if only to enter it into his Catalogue of Smells!

Well, when he looked back to see his hooman talking to anofur hooman, he thought he would check it out himself … so he did. When he got there, he realised it was indeed the most exquisite smell efur a dog could come across and knew instantly that he needed to have it upon himself. He rolled and rolled in it to ensure he covered every inch of himself in this luxurious smell! Proudly, he couldn’t wait to get back to his hooman to let them smell for themselves this wondrous smell! A true delicate bouquet for the nostrils!

Anyway, upon his return to his hooman, who incidentally was still talking to the other hooman, he went and sat right next to them and looked up at them, smiling. Then, a complete fluff explosion occurred. His hooman shrieked and shouted, “You smelly ****” (this word cannot be repeated ), then took away Fred’s freedom and liberties by grabbing his harness and taking him home. On reaching home, the hooman took Fred, who put up the most heroic fight for at least 30 mins, before being tricked with a treat, to the bathroom. They indeed trapped him in there and bathed him without a please or thank you.

Poor Fred lost his exquisite smell, and someone bathed him without his consent. Yes, consider this: Someone bathed Fred without his consent.

Dear Fred,

I think I’m not the only one who thinks they mistreated you when they gave you a bath without your consent. In fact, I believe your hooman needs a serious talking to about this unacceptable behaviour. I, for one, will come along to your home and back you up in this serious talking-to. They took your choice and liberties without consent, and you need to make them aware of this.

I would like you, the readers, to let me and Fred know your opinion on this matter. Do you think, like me, that their hooman needs a proper talk with? What would you do?

Please let us know in the comments.

Thank you.

Bob’s Your Agony Uncle

~ BOB W ~ 6 Comments

Hello everyone, and let me introduce myself.

My name is Bob and I am going to be your resident Agony Uncle on Anipal Times from December.

Please come along and support this wonderful publication, the Anipal Times, with lots of fab features, articles, puzzles, and musings.

Hope to be able to help you all soon with things like my human is trying to trick me by breaking my treat in half, or my human made me have a bath after I had just gotten my Au’D’Fox just perfect. You name it, and will can solve these dilemmas together.

Until then

Bob 😊