Tag: Bob’s your Agony Uncle

Falsly Accused

~ BOB W ~ 2 Comments

“Deer Bob 

I iz hopin yoo can giff me sum adfise? I iz a innosent lil furr hoo keeps gettin da blame for stuff. Der iz a big cat dat wait for me too be sumwer n do stuff like hide boomstix or blow Sumfin up or set fire too sumfin or reek havuk n me get da blaem. It juss da coinsidense dat me der. But her sneekie n noe furr see himz. How Duz me get owt ob deez sichuashuns coz noe furr beeleef me? I aff chanjed mine name to stae anonymonous.

Fangks 
Anonomous”

Ooh my dog — what a pickle you be in. Being an innocent little fur repeatedly framed for boomstix, fires, and general havoc is enough to make anyone’s tail droop and floof stand on end.

First things first: If trouble keeps happening wherever you are, others may mistake coincidence for cause. While you know you’re not lighting the boomstix or lighting fires, to others, it looks like you arrive and—boom—havoc follows.

Here’s what you can do:

Distance yourself from things for a while, avoid danger locations: fireworks sheds, boomstix cupboards, and anywhere marked “Danger.” If nothing booms when you’re not around, that speaks louder than words.

Gather proof. Loudly insisting, “It wasn’t me!” rarely convinces anyone. Instead, try to document events. If you suspect the big cat is lurking, set up witnesses, mirrors, footprints, or even a simple “trap” that reveals who really set the boomstix, like a hidden camera.

Be visibly helpful, fix things, save others before things go wrong. Nothing confuses an accusation like being a hero.

Stop playing alone. The cat succeeds because you’re alone. Stick close to others, especially authority figures. It’s much harder to frame a fur who’s never by themselves.

Finally, remember this: being blamed doesn’t mean being guilty. You are innocent.With patience, evidence, and a little strategic thinking, the truth has a way of coming out.

Stay safe, stay smart, and keep yourself out of the boomstix radius.

Bob’s Your Uncle

Hunter Skills

~ BOB W ~ 4 Comments

So this week’s letter is a genuine dilemma, I tell you …

“Dear Uncle Bob,

We have a problem with our humans, She and He. We are now almost seven months old, and we’ve been allowed outdoors for the past few weeks, and oh boy, it’s fun! We live deep in the countryside, where it’s perfect for honing our hunting instincts. We’re both getting really good, super skilful even, at catching small rodents, and whenever one of us catches a mouse, we’re so proud of what’ve done that we take it into the house and let it go! We do this so that the humans will find it running around indoors when they come home – is this not the right thing to do? To make it extra entertaining for them, we refuse to pick it up and take it back outside, and if we’re honest, it’s great fun watching them running all over the place trying to track down said rodent and catch it, heehee! We just don’t understand why these displays of our prowess don’t seem to thrill She and He. Not at all.

Please, can you help us understand their bizarre behaviour? We’re hoping that you, being older, wiser and more experienced than us, might shed some light on why we seem to do ‘the wrong thing’ in our humans’ eyes. Why don’t they appreciate our skill and generosity? What’s wrong with a few mice running around the house? Why are She and He not overjoyed with our gifts? Should we try to limit our activities to one indoor live mouse a day, rather than the usual six or seven? We think our hunting talents, for two kittens as young as us, are frankly outstanding! Can we instruct humans regarding hunter practices?

To be honest, relations at Chez Nous are becoming strained. Can you advise us on how best to handle the situation?”

Dear Writers:

First, let me say this clearly:

Your hunting skills are outstanding, second to none. Frankly, six or seven live mice a day at your age? Olympic-level, truly inspiring. 🐾✨

Now, on to the problem — your humans.

You see, She and He suffer from a rare but well-documented condition known as Terminal Lack of Perspective.

This disorder prevents humans from recognising three very important facts:

1 That the house is obviously just a larger, softer nest.
2 That mice are excellent interactive enrichment toys.
3 That screaming while standing on furniture is a perfectly reasonable response to surprise cardio.

From your point of view, everything you are doing is impeccable etiquette. You are:

1 Demonstrating your growing competence as hunters.
2 Providing food (or at least the opportunity).
3 Offering stimulating household entertainment.
4 Teaching valuable survival skills (“Catch it, human. Catch it.”).

In Cat Culture™, this would earn you medals, songs, and possibly a small parade – well, definitely!

Unfortunately, humans have very strange values.

They do not enjoy:

1 Sudden movement under the sofa.
2 High-speed rodents that appear during tea.
3 The emotional journey of “Where is it now?” at 11pm.
4 Being reminded that they are, in fact, quite slow and bad at hunting.
5 They also have an irrational belief that their home is not a hunting ground, but a “place to relax.” (This is incorrect, but we humour them.).

As for your generous proposal to reduce deliveries to one live mouse per day—this shows admirable compromise, but may still be too much for their fragile nervous systems.

Remember: Humans are not built for joy. They are built for routine.

How to Handle the Situation (Diplomatically):

1. Consider switching to outdoor release only, so the humans can admire your success from a distance while pretending they “don’t want to see it.”

2. If you must bring gifts home, try the advanced technique of presenting a mouse already retired from active duty. Humans prefer their prey like their news: no longer moving.

3. Alternatively, leave the trophies just outside the door. This allows She and He to feel proud and horrified simultaneously — a familiar emotional state for them.

Can You Educate Your Humans?

No.
Absolutely not.
They are untrainable.

What you can do is slowly lower their expectations, interspersed with cuddles, purring, and the occasional decision not to release wildlife indoors.

This will confuse them into gratitude.

Finally, remember: strained relations are normal during adolescence. Continue being adorable, sleep on their clean laundry, and occasionally stare at walls for no reason. This reassures them that all is well.

Stay fierce, stay generous, and never doubt yourselves.

From Bob’s Your Uncle

To Bathe or Not To Bathe, That is The Question

~ BOB W ~ 8 Comments

Firstly, hello and welcome along to the wonderful Anipal Times. My name is Bob, and I’m your Agony Uncle.

My first email raises the very impawtant question – “To Bath or Not To Bath”. Recently, someone bathed Fred, whose name was changed to protect privacy, even though he fought heroically after he refused a bath.

Dear Bob

Let me set the scene, Fred says. He was walking along with his hooman whilst out walking in the lovely countryside where he lives and came upon the most gorgeous, premium, irresistible scent in the air that he knew he had to investigate and discover – if only to enter it into his Catalogue of Smells!

Well, when he looked back to see his hooman talking to anofur hooman, he thought he would check it out himself … so he did. When he got there, he realised it was indeed the most exquisite smell efur a dog could come across and knew instantly that he needed to have it upon himself. He rolled and rolled in it to ensure he covered every inch of himself in this luxurious smell! Proudly, he couldn’t wait to get back to his hooman to let them smell for themselves this wondrous smell! A true delicate bouquet for the nostrils!

Anyway, upon his return to his hooman, who incidentally was still talking to the other hooman, he went and sat right next to them and looked up at them, smiling. Then, a complete fluff explosion occurred. His hooman shrieked and shouted, “You smelly ****” (this word cannot be repeated ), then took away Fred’s freedom and liberties by grabbing his harness and taking him home. On reaching home, the hooman took Fred, who put up the most heroic fight for at least 30 mins, before being tricked with a treat, to the bathroom. They indeed trapped him in there and bathed him without a please or thank you.

Poor Fred lost his exquisite smell, and someone bathed him without his consent. Yes, consider this: Someone bathed Fred without his consent.

Dear Fred,

I think I’m not the only one who thinks they mistreated you when they gave you a bath without your consent. In fact, I believe your hooman needs a serious talking to about this unacceptable behaviour. I, for one, will come along to your home and back you up in this serious talking-to. They took your choice and liberties without consent, and you need to make them aware of this.

I would like you, the readers, to let me and Fred know your opinion on this matter. Do you think, like me, that their hooman needs a proper talk with? What would you do?

Please let us know in the comments.

Thank you.